“The essence of masculinity is not rugged independence. It is sacrificial giving.” And again: “Unless [a man’s] courage, wisdom, discipline, patience, PIX chastity, and any other virtues serve the good of others, they’re not truly virtues, and he’s not fully masculine.”

“Man up” is not a call to assert your rights in a feminized culture. It’s a call, first of all, to fix your eyes and your hope on the Man up on PXV the cross, and second, to find in His selfless sacrifice the perfect example for manliness in a self-indulgent, self-centered society.

The first lesson in masculinity is not how powerful and mighty man is, how much he deserves to be exalted, but how humble he is, how small and inferior he is in comparison to his Creator.

Masculinity is not a single trait. It’s a lifestyle, a discipline, a habit cultivated by practice. Simply having anatomy and genes that allow you to stand and pee does not make you manly. Real masculinity is not found in any individual characteristic or trait but in the intersection of male characteristics with the exercise of manly virtue. Masculinity means harnessing the natural power a man possesses and using it for the good of others around him. The essence of masculinity is not rugged independence. It is sacrificial giving.

Malakia is the moral softness of self-indulgence, self-centeredness,

The deliberate avoidance of pain is rather a kind of Softness [malakia]… . One who is deficient in resistance to pains that most men withstand with success, is soft [malakos] or luxurious (for luxury is a kind of softness [malakia]): P11 such a man lets his cloak trail on the ground to escape the fatigue and trouble of lifting it.

“Cowardice is accompanied by softness [malakia], unmanliness [anandria], faint-heartedness, fondness of life; and it also has an element of cautiousness and submissiveness of character.”

This softness, then, is more than we understand with the word effeminacy. It’s internal effeminacy. It’s moral softness. It’s loving oneself above others. It’s seeking easy pleasure over the pain of doing what’s good and right for others according to your calling in life.

Malakia is selfish abdication of a higher calling to serve others. Although both men and women can possess such a selfish character defect, properly speaking, malakia is the opposite of masculinity.

How shameful is any society that asks its women, be they mothers or potential mothers, to take up arms in defense of the nation. No self-respecting husband would ask his wife to head downstairs in the middle of the night to go investigate whatever noise awakened them. Nor would any father enlist his daughters to take care of the school-yard bullies who accosted his son.

When a wife has to leave the care of her children to others so she can get a job that provides a paycheck, it’s an indictment of her husband’s ability to be the provider. It’s contrary to man’s nature to be provided for. He needs a companion, a helper for whom he can provide.

In response to or in anticipation of this love, demonstrated by her husband’s protection, provision, compassion, and sensitivity, a wife is called to respect her husband. Conspicuously absent from her duties is loving her husband. Despite Paul’s threefold admonition for a husband to love his wife, the wife is never called to reciprocate love. Husbands don’t need the same kind of love their wives do. A man needs his wife’s respect, not her love—at least, not in the same way that he is called to love her.

The Hebrew word ‘azar, translated “helper,” is an honorific title. Elsewhere, the Lord Himself is identified as man’s helper: “Behold, God is my helper; the Lord is the upholder of my life” (Psalm 54:4). “The LORD is on my side; I will not fear. What can man do to me? The LORD is on my side as my helper; I shall look in triumph on those who hate me” (Psalm 118:6–7).

Even Lewis, who lived from 1898 to 1963, lamented the loss of friendships between men due to homophobia. Friendship is distinct from the relationship between a man and a woman or P32 between a man and his children. Whereas a man and a woman are joined by attraction, two men are joined by a common task. Unlike romantic lovers who are bonded together by facing toward each other, two men are bonded together side-by-side, facing out toward the world. Their devotion to each other flows from their devotion to a common task.

Nothing could be more selfish or less masculine than using a latex barrier to withhold a part of yourself in the sexual union, dosing your wife with chemicals that treat her gift of feminine fertility as a disease against which she needs to be medicated, or otherwise holding back your procreative powers so that you can continue to enjoy life where children do not impose on your self-centeredness. Contraception lets men continue to be self-centered boys. And women simultaneously wonder why the pool of marriage-minded men grows smaller every year as they pop pills and implant devices that let men continue to play like boys. A child, even the possibility of a child, would cause a man to reevaluate all the one-night-stands and right swipes on Tinder. Sex is supposed to be risky to the little boy inside every P37 man, the self-centered narcissist who is the most important person in his world. It’s not meant to be safe.

Moreover, a man needs children to help him conquer the world. His offspring are his closest tribe. He passes his worldview onto them, and they carry this worldview into the world under the banner of their father’s name. A man can only affect those in his sphere of influence. Children expand a man’s influence exponentially.

Ancient societies, Bly contends, had an initiation rite for boys becoming men. Many times they would be taken away from their nuclear families by the men of the tribe to participate in some kind of ritual that would mark the transition from boyhood to manhood. Bloodshed, fasting, hunting, tests of strength or endurance, and other rites of passage that today would be considered hazing if done by other boys and child abuse if inflicted by older men served as trailblazers on his journey.

Boys cannot help other boys transition into men. The transition from girlhood to womanhood is not the same as the transition from boyhood to manhood. Boys need older men to teach them how to be men. Without older men, there will be no mature young men. Manliness continues in the collected wisdom from previous generations. It requires mentors.

St. Augustine, fourth-century bishop of Hippo in North Africa, is perhaps the first to observe this about the nature of sin: sin replaces amor Dei, “love of God,” with amor sui, “love of self.” Martin Luther expounds on this, saying that the nature of man since Adam’s fall is to be incurvatus in se, literally “curved in on oneself.”

Given that it’s easier by nature to be effeminate than masculine and to be selfish rather than serving, it’s easy to understand why men seem not only reticent for this duty, but also glad that women no longer expect them to conform to this higher calling. Remember the curses doled out after the fall? To Eve, God declared, “Your desire shall be contrary to your husband, but he shall rule over you” (Genesis 3:16). Submission to Adam’s authority no longer comes naturally. Genuine femininity no longer comes naturally to the ladies either. So both sexes are complicit in the loss of these divinely ordained roles.

The feminist professor drives in her car, invented by men, made out of metal that men have wrested from the earth and rendered usable in infernal foundries, powered by fuel even more dangerous to draw out of the earth or the sea and to transport to distant places; she drives along roads laid by men and repaired by men at all hours and in plenty of bad weather, arriving at the building where she teaches, whose foundations were laid by men with backhoes, sledge hammers, and shovels, whose walls were set in place by men scrambling upon scaffolds, doing work that will ruin their backs by the time they are fifty; and she gives not one thought to them as she, at twice their pay, proceeds to her class in Women’s Studies, where she teaches young women with smooth hands how the great monster Man has done nothing but oppress his sisters throughout all of human history, until the advent of Betty Friedan or Germaine Greer, those great titans of intellect.

The effects of the degradation of masculinity are no more apparent than in the prevalence of pornography. In case you hadn’t noticed, pornography is everywhere. Gone are the days when pornography was predominantly accessible by purchasing it in a brown paper bag from the convenience store. Now, anyone with an Internet connection has almost immediate access to a deluge of digital debauchery, in all flavors and perversions you can imagine, and thousands more you cannot.

There were situations that called for courage, and you were paralyzed with fear. There were crises that demanded you to intervene for the good of others, and you protected your own skin. You have taken more than given. You have consumed more than produced. You have wanted praise for a job well done. You have been soft. You have succumbed to the effeminacy of protecting yourself and looking after your own needs. You have been selfish, self-centered, self-protecting. Even if outwardly the world esteems you manly enough to write a book on the subject, a careful examination of your interior life reveals a heart and a will bent toward softness, effeminacy, and selfishness.

As soon as you take ownership of your problems, you’re closer to a solution than you’ve ever been before. At your core, you probably know this is not how men were designed to be. Selfishness is a corruption of humanity. Effeminacy is a corruption of man. A selfish person is not fully human. An effeminate, self-interested man is not fully a man.

The ladies struggle with genuine, godly femininity just as much as you grapple with genuine, godly masculinity. Effeminacy—malakia—is just as destructive to femininity as to masculinity. “Dead in the trespasses and sins” applies to everyone, regardless of chromosomes.

With forgiveness and new life in Christ, effeminacy is removed. You are free to be fully human. Free to be fully and unapologetically masculine. This is who you were created to be.

Any attempt to reduce the Bible to a guidebook for how to live is not only wrong, it’s also idolatrous. It replaces Christ at the center with something else, with moralism. The point of the Word, the goal of Christianity, is not to teach you how to be a good person, or a good man. The goal is repentance and forgiveness, given freely to sinners because of the substitutionary death of the God-man, Jesus.

The sole remaining virtue for modern man is niceness. Gone are the masculine virtues of courage, wisdom, industry, resolution, self-reliance, discipline, and honor. The ancient cardinal virtues of prudence, justice, temperance, and fortitude have long been forgotten, to say nothing of the theological virtues of faith, hope, and charity. All that matters is that a man is nice. Mothers hope for their daughters to find a nice man. Teachers reprimand students who are not nice. One of the cardinal sins in civilized society is to not be nice. Niceness, however, is not a Christian virtue. Niceness is not masculinity. Niceness is nothing. It’s akin to the word tolerance, which is pop-culture speak for “Let me do whatever I want.” Against the cult of niceness, especially as it has infiltrated the Church—both in thoughts about virtue and masculinity and also in conceptualizations of Jesus—stands the real example of the incarnate Son of God. “Nice” is neither what men are called to be, nor is it an appropriate description of Jesus.

Jesus is not a nice guy. Were He a pastor, these brash, offensive words and actions would merit more than a few phone calls from concerned parishioners to His ecclesiastical supervisor about this “bull in a china shop” who lacks the social graces and niceties we’ve come to demand of our clergymen. Not far off are the letters to the seminary threatening to withhold contributions until the faculty exercise better control to ensure that guys like this rough-around-the-edges Nazarene aren’t unleashed on congregations hoping and praying for a nice pastor.

No, Jesus is not a nice guy. But He’s good. That’s something more important than niceness. Why Jesus does what He does, says what He says, engages people in the way that He engages them is for a purpose. This is the lesson for masculinity. No, you don’t get to drive people out of congregations with a whip. But you should make a firm defense for what is good, even if it irritates people. No, you don’t get to needlessly call people names. But you should avoid mincing words when the choice is between hurting someone’s feelings and allowing evil to continue. Ideally you’ll be able to save face, guard feelings, and defend and do what’s good. But always err on the side of good instead of nice. Jesus is good, good to the core, good in everything He does. He does not sin. And yet He doesn’t fit the mold of a twenty-first-century emasculated nice guy. He hates injustice, offense, and false righteousness. He won’t tolerate anything that separates His people from Him. He will fight against false doctrine. He is intensely compassionate.

“Man up!” then, is first of all an exhortation to consider the work of the perfect Man, the incarnate God, Jesus Christ. Look at Him, the Man up on the cross. His death on the cross serves to draw all men—and women—to Himself. His death has reconciled mankind to God the Father. Therefore, God has exalted Him and given Him the name that is above every other name, the name at which every knee must bow. So, men, have this mind of Christ as your own. To be masculine is to have this mind of Christ Jesus. It is to acknowledge your power and your prowess and to see these as gifts to be employed in the service of others. Genuine, Christlike masculinity is the opposite of effeminacy. Christ’s manliness knows no malakia, no self-preservation. It is perfectly self-giving, selfless, self-denying, self-emptying. Thus, it is purely good.

You can be free to live your life purely as a man, free from the encumbrances of effeminacy and selfishness, because in Holy Baptism, the resurrection of Christ gave you new, eternal life that will fully and finally be yours when Jesus returns to raise you and all believers form the dead. You are therefore free to live for the good of others. Nothing can shake you. Resurrection is yours. New life is yours. Have courage. Take heart. Man up.

A man gives. He is strong in order to give. He has authority in order to give. He is given headship in order to give. He is set up with dominion over creation in order to give. He has leadership in order to give. He has power, assertiveness, courage, wisdom, integrity, and tenacity so that he may give of himself to others. At the core of what it means to be a man is to know how to use all the masculine traits and privileges not for the good of himself, but for the good of others.

Just because creation since the fall no longer functions properly does not mean that it shouldn’t function properly. It just means that it’s more difficult to live according to the Designer’s ideal. And yet, difficult though it will be, it’s good. And it’s worth it. What Adam was given to do is what men today are still called to do.

Manliness does not mean exerting your will over against your wife’s. It does not mean Adam got to order Eve around. It means that He existed for her good as much as she was created for his good. Heads are attached to bodies so that bodies can live and function. Marriage is not a competition. Family life is not a contest. The goal of being a man, of having headship in your family, is not to get whatever you want and have your family members serve you as minions. That’s disordered. That’s not genuine masculinity. That’s selfishness.

Headship is not a license to do whatever you want. It is a calling to do what others around you need.

Before there was a need for pastors, pulpits, or catechisms, the head of his household was the original preacher. This truth is confessed in the Lutheran Church as each of the Six Chief Parts of Luther’s Small Catechism begins with the superscription, “As the head of the family should teach it in a simple way to his household.” Every man with a family has the God-given responsibility to instruct his family in the faith, to preach and teach the Word of God to them.

Kings don’t exist for their own good. A man’s reign is never for his own good. It is always for the good of those placed under his kingdom. He is entrusted with their good. A man is called to employ his strength and prowess for the protection and provision of those committed to his care.

So men have a duty to keep themselves strong and healthy, inasmuch as this lies within their power. Not everyone needs to be able to draw attention when he takes off his shirt, and we do well to eschew gaining physical strength simply for vain reasons. But every man will be put to tests of strength. Whether it’s employed in warring against the nefarious machines at the pickle production plant that screwed the lids on the jars too tightly or in defending one’s family against real, physical enemies, strength is a gift given to men.

Physical strength, though, is just one aspect of the arsenal of strength a man needs to have at his disposal. And, though his genetics and testosterone naturally equip a man to develop chiseled pecs and impressive lats, to lift heavy objects and endure long bouts of physical exertion, what he needs just as much are the other hallmarks of strength: mental strength, emotional strength, and spiritual strength. He needs a strong, capable mind, which includes not only smarts but also grit, the ability to solve problems and endure more than his mind tells him is possible. He needs emotional strength and resiliency, the ability to remain present and in control of his reactions to situations, cognizant of external stressors and capable of thinking through his response instead of immediately reacting to his own emotions. He needs spiritual strength, the willingness to submit to an authority higher than himself and to commend himself and those entrusted to his protection to God in prayer.

But any strength by itself is useless without courage. All the strength in the world can’t do any good if you don’t have the guts to use it. Men must have courage to face challenges and grit to stay until the task is finished. When the Lord was bringing His people into the Promised Land, this was the regular refrain: “Be strong and courageous” (Deuteronomy 31:6, 7, 23; Joshua 1:6, 7, 9, 18; 10:25). Courage is not the denial or the absence of fear. Fearlessness is just naiveté. Courage is acknowledgment of fear and risks, and taking action in spite of fear because someone needs your protection.

Men are called to use not only their physical strength to protect those under their care, but also their spiritual prowess and strength. Adam knew the Word; he had, after all, preached it to Eve. But at the most critical moment in his and his wife’s life, he failed to protect her. St. Paul calls Christians, men and women alike, to engage in this fight. Men must fight not only for their sakes, but also for the sake of those around them: wife, children, friends, brothers, fellow Christians, and society as a whole.

It is for the sake of his wife and future children that a man must leave his father and mother. He must be able to provide.

In order to provide, a man needs skills that others are willing to pay for and the ability to take calculated risks.

If you’re married, you already know that your wife will sin more against you than against anyone else. If you’re not married but hoping for this blessing someday, someone should burst your bubble of false fantasies right now. Marriage is not all the euphoric bliss that Disney movies make your future-bride think it will be. It’s hard work. And it’s the arena in which your wife will hurt you in ways other humans cannot.

In a similar way, you will sin against her more than anyone else. That’s simply how it works when God puts you into that kind of intimate relationship. The stakes are higher. You’re called to do more to and for your wife than for anyone else. And so you’ll screw up in your relationship with her more than in any other relationship you have. So also, she will commit the worst sins of her life against you. You are the one (and also your children, should you be so blessed) toward whom she has the highest calling. And you are the one with whom she will spend the most time. It’s only natural that two sinners put in such close, intimate proximity will sin against one another more than against those farther away.

Forgive her because she needs it, not because she deserves it.

Your wife is probably not the most beautiful woman in the world. But she needs to be the most beautiful woman in your world. In fact, St. John Chrysostom, in his same sermon on Ephesians 5, remarked that if your wife is not beautiful, you’re probably better off: “Do ye not see how many, after living with beautiful wives, have ended their lives pitiably, and how many, who have lived with those of no great beauty, have run on to extreme old age with great enjoyment.”

He must see to her physical nourishment and sustenance. He ought to be the primary breadwinner, for her sake as well as his. They both thrive on this order. And he also cares for her spiritual nourishment. He must guard and shepherd her spiritual maturation. Husbands should spend time in Scripture daily and enable their wives to have the same daily retreat into the Word of God. Pray with your wife. Read Scripture with your wife. Have a devotional book, something doctrinally pure, with which you can agree uncritically and listen and be fed. Study is different from devotion and meditation, the latter being like listening to a sermon. You go to a church that has a confession and preacher with which you are in agreement so that you don’t need to filter out false doctrine in the sermon. You want to be fed without having to sort out the poisonous from the profitable. So husbands need to cultivate this daily discipline not only for their own sakes but also for the sake of their wives.

This isn’t merely physical, though. Your wife doesn’t just need a hug. She needs your life to embrace her in the way her life embraces her children. This is why a marriage is never a competition. It’s not a matter of who is more important, more cherished, more loved. No one ought to be concerned about asserting his own self-importance. If you doubt that, consider the icon of the Holy Family.

Men are naturally stronger. But they are also naturally more expendable. Even base biology confesses this fact. Men exist to give. Their statistically shorter lives also lend credence to this fact: they spend their lives for the good of others, not for their own self-preservation. In this fundamental core value of masculinity, then, there is no more perfect man than Jesus.

The way a man loves is not the way of emotional love. He loves with an active love, a love that does, that serves, that gives, that risks. For Christ, and thus for men, love is not a feeling, an emotion. It’s an action. Love is something a man is called to do, not something he is supposed to feel.

For Jesus, love means living His life for the good of those to whom He ministers. So, for man, recreated in Jesus, love must mean likewise living his life for the good of those entrusted to his care.

Christlike love is the opposite of emotion. It is action without regard for the underlying emotion. It serves, works for the good of the neighbor, in spite of a man’s lack of desire to love, in spite of the other’s willingness to accept love. A man loves because he has an idealized, or rather, a renewed sense of what is good and righteousness and how the world should be, by virtue of Christ’s own redemptive love. He loves toward this ideal, just as Christ loves man toward the sinless ideal.

His wife is always foremost. His children are second. No one is closer to a man than his family, so no one needs his self-giving love as much as these people. Next are those in his most immediate spheres of influence: his employer, employees, co-workers, proximate neighbors, and the fellow members of his congregation. Like concentric ripples from a splash in a pond, each circle farther out is bigger and affects more people, but in a less direct way and farther away from the man himself.

Just as Adam did in the garden for his wife and men have endeavored to do since, a man ought to preside over his household as a priest. Fathers are the chief catechists of their children. St. Paul exhorts, “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord” (Ephesians 6:4). In the same way the Lord disciplines and instructs with His Word, fathers are likewise to do.

How do fathers catechize their children? First and foremost, they must lead by example. Children, especially boys, will emulate their fathers. Girls will too, of course, especially in traits that are not gender specific, like piety, devotion to the Word, and dedication to prayer. In all things, but especially in catechizing P233 and instructing his children in the Word of God, a father leads from the front. That is, his catechesis is always “Follow me,” never “Go and do.” He doesn’t send his kids to church; he takes them with him. He blazes the trail. He catechizes his family first by his example.

A man must be both powerful and kind. He must be both fierce and sensitive. Strength must not be used against others selfishly. That’s weakness. That’s cowardice. Strength must serve a man’s calling. It must be used for the protection of others and to provide for those in a man’s charge. Christ spent all His strength on the cross. A man spends his in sacrificial love and service toward those entrusted to his care. He ought to cultivate and increase his strength, but not merely for the purpose of strutting shirtless around the pool. His strength is a tool in his arsenal for the good of others. His body is his gift to give, not a means of self-indulgence.

humility is not thinking less of yourself; it’s thinking of yourself less.

In being assertive, a man is firm and stalwart. He is not easily taken advantage of. In being humble, he is compassionate and selfless. He is quick to be merciful. Nowhere is this humble assertiveness better displayed than in repentance. Acknowledging his faults without needing to justify them or make excuses makes a man both assertive in his honesty and humble in admitting his faults. Repentance keeps a man’s ego at bay. It is not a once-and-done item on the to-do list. Rather, repentance is how a man should always see himself.

Courage is not the opposite of fear. Without fear, there can be no courage. Courage forces a man to acknowledge the risks and to act in spite of them, whereas cowardice shies away from danger.        The wicked flee when no one pursues, P245                   but the righteous are bold as a lion. (Proverbs 28:1)

Guilt and shame make a man timid and afraid, not just of God, though. Of everything. Adam tucks his tail and runs for cover at the sound of wind rustling the leaves in the garden. P246 Every person is potentially an adversary. Cowardice is inwardly focused. Repentance is courageous. It commits a man to the mercy of Another, which is inherently risky. He has to step outside of himself. He has to own his errors. He has to confess his failures.

With this courage, a man can look fear in the eye and not flinch. If he is delivered from the worst of himself and the just, eternal consequences of his sins, what would he ever need to fear?

It’s not some things you do. It’s who you are. Masculinity is a practice, a habit. It’s not a list; it’s a lifestyle. You can’t just do some things and be a man. You have to be a man. And then you do these things.

You must learn to see yourself as a gift to be given to others. Then you will be a man.

The first fight is unseen. Before you can fight for another, you must learn to fight against yourself. Your selfish tendencies, normal in all men since the fall, imperil your ability to fight for the good of others. Your sinful flesh hates to give. It hates to love selflessly. It hates manning up. Repentance helps you fight against your sinful flesh. Constant sorrow over your sin is a gift from God that keeps you acutely aware of the power of your sinful inclinations and evermore reliant on Him for mercy and forgiveness. This is good. You cannot rely on yourself in this fight. Faith is in Christ, not in yourself. You must rely entirely on Him. And then fight. Practice spiritual disciplines. These are like hitting the gym to strengthen your spiritual muscles.

The fundamental disciplines Jesus encourages are prayer, fasting, and almsgiving. In the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus catechizes on these three disciplines, saying, “When you give to the needy, … when you pray, … when you fast, …” (see Matthew 6:1–18). He doesn’t say “If you give, if you pray, if you fast.” He simply assumes His disciples do these things. All three guard against the power of the flesh.

A tenth is a good place to start. But if you give away a tenth of your income and still love money, still trust in money or possessions more than you trust in your heavenly Father, give more. Giving disciplines your flesh against this idolatry, against love of money and Mammon. If you’re anxious about how much you give, this is a sure sign that you’re still trusting in money. Give more.

The belly is relatively easy to discipline, but it’s a gateway to the body’s other desires. Especially for men, learning that the belly is not your god through fasting is a stepping stone on the path to learning that neither are your reproductive organs in control of you. In many ways, disordered hunger is no different from lust, disordered sexual desire. Start by learning to discipline your belly and say no to hunger, just for a time. This will also help you develop the ability to say no to your gonads and sexual desire.

In order to be a warrior, a fighter for those who depend on you, you’ve got to stop being nice. Be good instead. Take the lead. Be courageous. Fight for something. Spend yourself in the pursuit of the good of another. Take risks for the good of P276 someone else. Know what you’re fighting for. And know whom you’re fighting against.

Masculinity is not a single character trait. It’s a lifestyle.

Just as fasting teaches the ability to deny basic urges of the body and the other spiritual disciplines enable you to mature in godliness, so discipline in small, daily self-denial sharpens your focus on the things that matter.

In a world filled with ever-increasing distractions, more creature comforts than any time in history, and greater affluence and more stuff than previous generations could have imagined were available, the one thing that is in scarce supply anymore is satisfaction. God intends for us to be satisfied with what He gives. He wants us to believe that His provision of daily bread, which according to the catechism includes everything from food and clothing to good friends and good weather, is enough.

Oxytocin causes two people to trust one another and feel safe with each other. In both males and females, oxytocin is released throughout the act of sex.

But pure pleasure is not satisfaction. The rush of dopamine is easy to obtain. The thrill of novelty easily excites. The endurance of long-term satisfaction is more elusive.

Too many guys are stuck in a search for the thrill of novelty that leaves them without enduring satisfaction. Whether you’re chasing every skirt that passes by, spinning the hedonistic hamster wheel of pornography, or simply meandering in the labyrinth of lust, you’ll never find the satisfaction you want and need.

Masturbation, too, is by its very nature dissatisfying. It provides a release of oxytocin with the frustration of self-stimulation. Pair-bonding with your hand and your own world of fantasy can do nothing but further entrench you in this plague of selfishness and dissatisfaction. If you want to be a good man, heck, if you want to be a man at all and not merely a boy, you’ve got to quit porn and/or masturbation.

Men work. It’s what they do.

Sometimes the phrase “Man up!” is simply a way of saying “Keep going.” It’s what men do. A man needs to be undeterred by adversity or hardship. He needs grit and endurance. He needs courage to take the next step, do the next thing, keep putting one foot in front of the other. This can only happen if a man knows what he’s doing. His purpose gives him passion. His passion for those he is called to serve gives him the strength to press on.

But in order for a boy to grow into a man and a girl to mature into a woman, they require different things from their fathers. Boys need a father to teach them how to be a man. Girls need a father to teach them how to identify a man. He will need to be one. She will need to marry one.

Make this a daily practice. Read the Word to your wife and children. Take up the mantle of leadership in this most important arena, the spiritual health and eternal well-being of your family. Don’t let the perfect be the enemy of the good. Don’t wait until your own piety is correct. Simply start. Do something.